Day 5 -I think I’m alive!

First bleed! I noticed it at home after I got back from being out and about, I felt the wetness. I was surprised, and strangely happy! The first period I ever experienced was full of typical teenage awkwardness and embarrassment. Now, I was pleased. It only turned out to be a short bleed, but there it was. I collected some on a tissue, and did a crystal ritual with gratitude. Not everyone goes for this kind of thing, but it’s important to me right now. It’s important that I celebrate this part of me. Maybe one day I will have a tribe/red tent experience, so that this part of me gets celebrated with others, but today, I appreciate myself. It is pretty fucking amazing what the female body is capable of.

Something else is happening too. Whilst chatting to some female friends, one told a story, you know, the kind of story that only gets told between women. We were rolling about laughing. Then, I felt a twinge in my sex. This hasn’t happened in a LONG TIME! What’s that I feel? Oh, it’s called aliveness!! Even as I’m writing this again I can feel more life cruising through me. My sex drive recently? Practically zero, for a very very long time now, to my long-standing partners credit, it’s looking like the patience is gonna pay off.

Day 1 – Feeling the Changes

The doc said it may take up to two weeks for the hormone to move from my system. It’s now the next day, and I think I can feel a shift. I feel cranky. I am already more snappy and verbal. I. have just warned my partner that my tolerance for other people in general is going to waiver, and seeing as it’s been yeeeeeears since I last had a period, these mood swings could be a right rollercoaster, so I’d better buckle-up!!

Finding My Fire

This will be a blog about my road to rediscovering joy, self-truths and connection – after a lifetime of dischord and disconnections. I talk about life, trying to understand dreamscapes, psychology, and the deeper meanings around us.

You may notice it says ‘rediscover’ joy. I am sure at one point I must have had feelings of pure joy and happiness – surely all babies are born this way, right? However, underneath, my feelings have been very different to what they may appear on the surface.

And so, I am on this quest to re-discover. This is my goal. To be living a life of my choosing, in a beautiful place, with a sense of true connection – a tribe – around me. Oh, and a dog.

Some of my friends would probably be surprised to know that I feel like I’ve never really had a solid group of mates, of belly-laugh connections or a depth of understanding, even though I’ve been around many friends. My other mates that know me a little better would probably have sensed that I carry a huge pain in some way, but would have never have understood the reasons why – because at the time I didn’t know the reasons either. That reason is not to be talked about just yet, although I think it’s probably a good idea if I do talk about it here one day as I don’t seem to find much else about it anywhere else, though it must be common in my generation. Clue: It’s why I’m a bit fucking weird. Oh, and I swear a lot, you’ll have to deal with that also.

Anyway, I had to start somewhere. I want this life, I want it so much. I know that in order to get it I needed to drastically change, and that started happening three years ago. I’m not going to give too much history, as that’ll all come out eventually, so I’ll just start off with a piece I can get my teeth into, if you’re interested, go ahead and read the next entry.