I am a blokey-woman. Always have been. At the age of 15, I remember my dad hassling me because I didn’t wear enough dresses. Fuck you, I thought back then, and to this day, I feel the same way. He’s got over it now, thankfully. He’s learned.
My life revolves around shifting heavy things around, off-grid living arrangements necessitating a very large practical streak – which luckily I have. I can drive large trucks, build boats and I can throw things pretty fucking well. I used to win shot-put back in school. You get the idea.
For a long time, like about a decade, on a feelings-level I have felt dull, deadened, and disconnected. I had lost my internal fire. Where is it? What happened and how to I get it back? It’s only recently that I was speaking about my dreams to someone, when they reflected back to me that I usually dream of male figures, very few women enter my dreamscape. This was a bit of a wake-up call to me. I realised I had an over-developed masculine psyche and an under-developed feminine psyche. I knew something was missing, and I have a hunch that this is where the fire went. We all know the archetypal wild-woman, with her knowing, don’t-give-a-fuck cackling laugh. She knows how to make fire, and she carries it with her where ever she goes. We can usually think of one or two people who embody this archetype well. I envy those people. I need to get this back. I want my fieriness back, life is shit without it.
We talked about what it means to be ‘woman’. I am cis-female – if you don’t know what cis means, go look it up, seriously. I am aware of the harm of societal gender roles, but this does not come into play when discussing my psyche. Archetypally, to me, woman equates to intuition, nurture, creativity, connections to life and earth and to give birth (to ideas or life). I had lost my connection to this part of me many years ago. I have not had a period in 7 years, due to having a hormonal coil implant, and for another ten or more years before that, my hormones were regulated by the oral contraceptive. Do you know what? I’ve had enough. ENOUGH. This has been far too long of being cut off, and even disgusted by, a huge part of myself.
So, today is Day Zero- the hormonal veil is being lifted. I have had the progesterone coil removed, replaced by copper. The procedure for me was straightforward, with standard levels of queasiness and blood, coupled with a standard sterile environment with well-meaning, highly capable nurses, though still resulting in a highly invasive procedure feeling very clinical and yes, disconnected again. There is little room for warmth in these moments it seems.
On the way home, I remember I need to collect wood for the fire. I need to go shopping, and cook. I remember how difficult all this can be whilst on a period, and briefly wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I walk around the supermarket feeling really queasy, hoping it’ll be worth it.
But this is the beginning of acceptance of self, as it is, with no editing. Will I be wearing pink and getting my nails done? Nope! But hopefully my senses will return, along with my passion for life!
Finding My Feminine Fire 